Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
