you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
