Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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