I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
