He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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