Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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