Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm at about main and main street
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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