fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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