I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
