cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
