I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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