Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
