I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
