I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
