just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize