HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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