you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
