I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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