Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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