a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
