her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
