All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
