Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
