My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
