it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
