My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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