3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
