The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
