its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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