shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
