I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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