Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
