Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
