I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
