I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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