it hurts more in the daytime
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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