i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
