Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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