after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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