I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
