If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
