my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
