every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
