quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
