I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
