i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
