You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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