Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Oh god it's open bar.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
