saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
