That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
