My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
