We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
