Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize