"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
