I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
