bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
