Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
