did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
