walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
