you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
