i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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