you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How's work?
Spinning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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