I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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