Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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