my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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