i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
