You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
