My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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